Everywhere I turn, I hear people talking about someone who recently got married, divorced, remarried, redivorced, gave up on love, gave up on marriage, sewing their ex… It seems like a global epidemical melt down in communication between the sexes! Could it be linked to the unrealistic image we have had in our minds since childhood? You know the one: “And they walked down the isle and lived happily ever after!” it was in Cinderella, Snow white and pretty much every single fairytale story that followed… We assume that marriage is just an extension of relationships and that we simply have to show up… WRONG!
Not to cast a dark cloud here but marriage is hard work… In the sense that we cannot just ignore our relationship and expect love to grow and evolve on its own… No! We have to work at it… we have to face our issues as mature adults and keep our egos out of the conversation…
I have personally been divorced before but found the courage to make the jump again 4 years ago. So glad I did because I am now happily married to an amazing man who supports me in everything I do. It is through this relationship that I came to believe there can be healthy marriages and here are 5 pillars that have been the foundation for our successful partnership this far…
They say marry someone you can talk to… Even if you are not used to long conversations with your partner you can practice and get better at it. Might not happen from the first or second try but just make time regularly to talk about anything that comes to mind… You can start shallow at first and then work your way into deeper more meaningful subjects to build the friendship side of your partnership.
So many couples encounter issues during the course of their relationships and find themselves in the midst of anger-filled quarrels that sometimes end up in swearing, screaming and door slamming… Promise each other that no matter what the argument you will “discuss” it openly and with a calm and composed attitude so that it becomes productive… Some men don’t enjoy these sit downs because they find them unnecessary and time-consuming but the truth is women need to talk it through! They can’t just press the “FIX” button and end the conversation… Don’t confuse this with “conversation” – that one is for pure entertainment purposes… 🙂
Einstein once said that insanity is “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” so rightly said and it applies directly to relationships in my view. If there is a recurring problem then there is an area that needs to be worked on and you have to be willing to identify a new course of action that might require you to change for the better. We are not talking about personality traits here just habits.
If you want to have a long and healthy relationship you have to be willing to resolve each issue you face thoroughly enough to get to the core of it…. Discuss the problem, what bothered each of you about it and how it ought to be handled if it were to pop up again and boy will it! The goal is not to repeat the same mistakes and live in eternal loop mode! This process has to be very constructive and so avoid the blame game and don’t drag the past into it, stick to the facts and truly mean to sort things out. Avoid dwelling, simply point out the elements, agree on a way forward and move on… Eventually you get better and faster at this just keep in mind that you have to choose your battles; some things are just not worth fretting over…
You have to be genuinely committed to working things out no matter how heated the situation gets. I have seen so many couples head straight for the door when things got rough and that includes yours truly! It is much easier to call it quits but I discovered that it’s sticking it through that earns us the right of passage. Surely I’m not talking about abusive relationships; that is an entirely different post!
I’m sure you’re all familiar with this statement: “50% of marriages end up in divorce,” and yet we still do it… Because in fact, having someone to share our life with can be a great experience… Don’t you think?